Why?
Why is it that most of the people
who are against abortion
are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place huh?
Huh?
Boy these conservatives are really something
aren't they?
They're all in favor of the unborn.
They will do anything for the unborn
but once you're born you're on your own.
Pro-life conservatives are obsessed
with the fetus from conception to nine months.
After that they don't want to know about you.
They don't want to hear from you.
No nothing.
No neonatal care, no daycare, no head start,
no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare,
no nothing.
If you're preborn you're fine.
If you're preschool you're fucked.
You're fucked.
Conservatives don't give a shit about you
until you reach military age.
Then they think you are just fine.
Just what they been looking for.
Conservatives want live babies
so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
Pro-life.
These people aren't pro-life
they're killing doctors.
What kind of pro-life is that?
What they'll do anything they can to save a fetus
but if it grows up to be a doctor
they just might have to kill it?
They're not pro-life.
You know what they are?
They're anti-woman.
Simple as it gets.
Anti-woman. They don't like them.
They don't like women.
They believe a woman's primary role is to
function as a broodmare for the state.
Pro-life.
You don't see many of these
white anti-abortion women
volunteering to have any black fetuses
transplanted into their uteruses do you?
No you don't see them adopting
a whole lot of crack babies do you?
No that might be something Christ would do.
And you won't see...
you won't see a lot of these
pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene
and lighting themselves on fire.
You know morally committed religious people
in South Vietnam knew how to stage
a Goddamn demonstration didn't they?
Huh?
Hey.
They knew how to put on a fucking protest.
Light yourself on fire!
Come on you moral crusaders
let's see a little smoke
to match that fire in your belly.
Here's another question I have.
How come when it's us it's an abortion
and when it's a chicken it's an omelet?
What?
Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden?
When did this happen
that we pass chickens in goodness?
Name six ways we're better than chickens.
See nobody can do it.
You know why?
Cause chickens are decent people.
You don't see chickens
hanging around in drug gangs do you?
You don't see a chicken
strapping some guy to a chair
and hooking up his nuts to a car battery do you?
When's the last chicken you heard about
came home from work
and beat the shit out of his hen?
Doesn't happen
cause chickens are decent people.
Well let's get back to this abortion shit.
Now is a fetus a human being?
This seems to be the central question.
Well if a fetus is a human being
how come the census doesn't count them?
If a fetus is a human being
how come when there's a miscarriage
they don't have a funeral.
If a fetus is a human being
how come people say we have two children
and one on the way
instead of saying we have three children?
People say life begins at conception,
I say life began about a billion years ago
and it's a continuous process.
Continuous, just keeps rolling along.
Rolling.
Rolling along.
I said you know something?
Listen, you can go back further than that.
What about the carbon atoms?
Huh?
Human life could not exist without carbon
so is it just possible that maybe
we shouldn't be burning all this coal?
Just looking for a little consistency here
in these anti-abortion arguments.
See the really hardcore people will tell you
life begins at fertilization.
Fertilization when the sperm fertilizes the egg,
which is usually a few moments after the man says,
"Gee honey I was going to pull out
but the phone rang and it startled me."
Fertilization.
But even after the egg is fertilized it's still
six or seven days before it reaches the uterus
and pregnancy begins
and not every egg makes it that far.
80% of a woman's fertilized eggs are
rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month
during those delightful few days she has.
They wind up on sanitary napkins
and yet they are fertilized eggs.
So basically what these anti-abortion people
are telling us is that
any woman who's had more than one period
is a serial killer.
Consistency.
Hey, hey if they really want to get serious
what about all the sperm that are wasted
when the state executes a condemned man
and one of these pro-life guys
who's watching comes in his pants huh?
Here's a guy standing over there
with his jockey shorts full
of little Vinnie's and Debbie's
and nobody's saying a word to the guy.
Not every ejaculation deserves a name.
Now
speaking of consistency
Catholics, which I was
until I reached the age of reason,
Catholics
Catholics and other Christians
are against abortions
and they're against homosexuals.
Well who has less abortions than homosexuals?
Leave these fucking people alone
for Crist sakes.
Here is an entire class of people
guaranteed never to have an abortion
and the Catholics and Christians
are just tossing them aside.
You'd think they'd make natural allies.
Go look for consistency in religion.
And speaking of my friends, the Catholics,
when John Cardinal O'Connor of New York
and some of these other cardinals and bishops
have experienced their first pregnancies
and their first labor pains
and they've raised a couple of children
on a minimum wage
then I'll be glad to hear
what they have to say about abortion.
I'm sure it will be interesting
and enlightening too
but
in the meantime what they ought to be doing
is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity
to keep their hands off the altar boys.
Keep your hands to yourself Father
you know?
When Jesus said,
"Suffer the little children come onto me,"
that's not what he was talking about.
So you know what I tell
these anti-abortion people?
I say, Hey,
hey if you think a fetus
is more important than a woman
try getting a fetus to
wash the shit stains out of your underwear.
For no pay and no pension.
I tell them to think of an abortion
as term limits, that's all it is.
Biological term limits.
But you know the longer you listen
to this abortion debate
the more you here this phrase sanctity of life.
You've heard that, sanctity of life.
You believe in it?
Personally I think it's a bunch of shit.
Well I mean life is sacred?
Who said so?
God?
Hey if you read history you realize
that God is one of the leading causes of death.
Has been for thousands of years.
Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians
all taking turns killing each other
cause God told them it was a good idea.
The sword of God, the blood of the Lamb,
vengeance is my millions of dead motherfuckers.
Millions of dead motherfuckers
all because they gave the wrong answer
to the God question.
You believe in God?
No.
Dead.
You believe in God?
Yes.
You believe in my God?
No.
Dead.
My God has a bigger dick than your God.
Thousands of years...
Thousands of years and all the best wars too.
The bloodiest most brutal wars fought
all based on religious hatred,
which is fine with me.
Hey anytime a bunch of holy people
want to kill each other I'm a happy guy.
But don't be giving me all this shit
about the sanctity of life.
I mean even if there were such a thing
I don't think it's something you can blame on God.
No you know what the sanctity of life came from?
We made it up.
You know why?
Cause were alive.
Self-interest.
Living people have a strong interest in
promoting the idea of somehow life is sacred.
You don't see Abbott and Costello running around
talking about this shit do you?
Were not hearing a whole lot
from Mussolini on the subject.
What's the latest from JFK?
Not a Goddamn thing
cause JFK, Mussolini and Abbott and Costello
are fucking dead.
They're fucking dead.
And dead people give less than a shit
about the sanctity of life.
Only living people care about it
so the whole thing grows out of
a completely biased point of view.
It's a self-serving, man-made bullshit story.
It's one of these things we tell ourselves
so we'll feel noble.
Life is sacred.
Makes you feel noble.
But let me ask you this.
If everything that ever lived is dead
and everything alive is going to die
where does the sacred part come in?
I'm having trouble with that.
Cause I mean even with this stuff we preach
about the sanctity of life we don't practice it.
We don't practice it.
Look at what we kill.
Mosquitoes and flies
cause their pests.
Lions and tigers
cause it's fun.
Chickens and pigs
cause we're hungry.
Pheasants and quails
cause it's fun
and we're hungry.
And people.
We kill people
cause their pests
and it's fun.
And you might have noticed something else.
The sanctity of life doesn't seem
to apply to cancer cells does it?
You rarely see a bumper sticker that says,
Save the tumors
or I break for advanced melanoma.
Nah viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus,
weeds, ecoli bacteria, the crabs,
nothing sacred about those things.
So at best the sanctity of life
is kind of a selective thing.
We get to choose which forms of life
we feel are sacred
and we get to kill the rest.
Pretty neat deal huh?
You know how we got it?
We made the whole fucking thing up.
Made it up.
The same way
Thank you.
The same way we made up the death penalty.
We made them both up.
Sanctity of life and the death penalty
aren't we versatile?
And you know in this country
now there are a lot of people
who want to expand the death penalty
to include drug dealers.
This is really stupid.
Drug dealers aren't afraid to die.
They're already killing each other every day
on the streets by the hundreds.
Drive-bys, gang shootings,
they're not afraid to die.
Death penalty doesn't mean anything
unless you use it on people
who are afraid to die
like the bankers who launder the drug money.
The bankers
who launder
the drug money.
Forget the dealers.
You want to slow down that drug traffic
you got to start executing
a few of these fucking bankers.
White middle class Republican bankers.
And I'm not talking
I'm not talking about
soft American executions
like lethal injection.
I'm talking about fucking crucifixion folks.
Let's bring back crucifixion,
a form of capital punishment
that Christians and Jews of America
can really appreciate.
And I'd go a little further.
I'd crucify people upside down.
Like Saint Peter, feet up head down.
And naked.
I'd have naked, upside down crucifixions
on TV once a week at half time
on the monday night football game.
Monday night.
The monday night crucifixions.
You'd have people tuning in
don't even care about football.
Wouldn't you like to hear
Dan Deardorf explain
why the nails have to go in at a certain angle?
And I'll guarantee you one thing
you start executing,
you start nailing one white banker per week
to a big wooden cross on national TV
you're going to see that drug traffic
begin to slow down pretty fucking quick.
Pretty fucking quick.
You won't even be able to buy drugs
in schools and prisons anymore.
Now I don't care about capital punishment
one way or another
cause I know it doesn't do anything.
It doesn't do anything except maybe satisfy
a kind of a biblical need for revenge.
You know if you read the bible you see that
it's full of retribution and revenge
so really capital punishment
is kind of a religious ritual.
It's a purification rite.
It's a modern sacrament
and as long as that's true
I say let's liven it up a little.
I honestly believe if you make the death penalty
a little more entertaining
and learn to market it correctly
you just might be able to raise enough money
to balance the stupid fucking budget.
Balance the stupid fucking budget.
And don't forget the polls show
the American people want capital punishment
and they want a balanced budget
and I think even in a fake democracy
people ought to get what they want
once in a while
just to feed this illusion
that there really in charge.
Let's use capital punishment the same way
we use sports and television
in this country to distract people
and take their minds off
how bad their being fucked by the upper 1%.
Now unfortunately
unfortunately monday night football
doesn't last long enough.
What we really need
is year round capital punishment
on TV every night with sponsors.
Got to have sponsors.
I'm sure as long we're killing people
Marlboro cigarettes and Dow Chemical
would be proud to participate.
Proud to participate.
Balance the stupid fucking budget.
And let me say this
to you my interesting Judea Christian friends
not only
not only do I recommend crucifixions
I'd be in favor of bringing back beheadings.
Beheadings on TV,
slow motion,
instant replay
and maybe you could let the heads
roll down a little hill
and fall into one of five numbered holes.
Yeah.
Let the people at home gamble on which hole
the head is going to fall into.
And you do it in a stadium
so the mob can gamble on it too.
Raise a little more money
and if you want to expand
the violence a little longer
to sell a few more commercials
instead of using an axe
you do the beheadings with a hand saw.
Hey don't bail out on me now God damn it.
The blood is already on our hands
all were talking about is a matter of degree.
You want something a little more delicate?
We'll do the beheadings with an olive fork.
That would be nice.
And it would take a good Goddamn long time.
There's a lot of good things we could be doing.
When's the last time
we burned someone at the stake?
It's been too long.
Here's another form of capital punishment
comes out of a nice rich religious tradition,
burning people at the stake
sponsor,
Bridgeford Charcoal.
And you put it on TV on Sunday mornings.
The Sunday morning Evangelical
Send Us An Offering
Praise Jesus Human Bonfire.
You don't think that would get big ratings
in this sick fucking country?
Shit you'd have people
skipping church to watch this stuff.
And you take the money they send in
the offerings and you use it
To balance the budget.
What about boiling people in oil?
Boy those were the days weren't they?
You get the oil going real good, you know?
A nice high rolling boil
and then slowly at the end of a rope
you lower the perpetrator head first
into the boiling oil huh?
You talk about fun shit.
And just to encourage citizen participation
you let the mob in the stadium
control the speed of the rope.
Good clean, wholesome family entertainment.
The kids will love it.
The kids will love it
and at the same time their enjoying themselves
were teaching them
a nice Christian moral lesson.
Oiling people in oil.
Sponsor, Crisco.
And maybe instead of boiling all these guys
every now and then
you could French fry a couple of them.
French fried felons.
Dip a guy in egg batter just for a goof you know?
Kind of a tempura thing huh?
Jeffrey Dahmer never thought of this shit did he?
Jeffrey Dahmer eat your heart out,
which is an interesting thought in of itself.
All right enough nostalgia
what about some modern forms
of capitol punishment?
How about we throw a guy
off the World Trade Center
and whoever he lands on
wins the Publishers Clearing House huh?
Okay something a little more sophisticated:
You dip a guy in brown gravy
and lock him in a small room with a wolverine
who's high on angel dust.
There's one guy that's not going to be
fucking with too many kids
at the bus stop for a while huh?
Here's something really nice you could do.
You shoot a guy out of a high-speed catapult
right into a brick wall.
Trouble is it would be over too quick.
No good for TV you know,
you'd have to do a whole bunch of guys
right in a row.
Rapid-fire capital punishment.
Fifteen catapults while you're shooting off one
you're loading up the others.
Of course every now and then
you would have to stop
to clean off the wall.
Cleanliness right next to Godliness.
All right high tech.
I sense some of you's are waiting for high tech.
I got it.
You take a small tactical nuclear weapon
and stick it up a guy's ass.
A thermal nuclear suppository.
Preparation-H Bomb.
You talk about fallout huh?
Whoa!
Or you take the bomb
and you stick it just inside that little hole
on the end of a guy's dick you know?
Yeah.
A bomb in a dick.
When it goes off the guy wouldn't know
whether he was coming or going.
Get out of here.
I got you.
Hey
listen
Hey
I got a lot of good ideas.
Balance the stupid fucking budget.
Here's another idea.
I'm going to save you
a whole lot of money on prisons
but at the same time
we are still going to remove from society
many of our more unannoying citizens.
Four groups are going away permanently.
First group violent criminals.
Here's what you do with these Emmy Award winners.
You take the entire state of Kansas,
you move everybody out.
You give them a couple hundred dollars
for their inconvenience you know?
That'll be fair
and then you move them out,
you put a big ten-story electric fence
around Kansas and Kansas becomes
a permanent prison farm
for violent criminals.
No parole, no police, no supplies
the only thing you give them
is lethal weapons and live ammunition
so they can communicate
in a meaningful way.
Then you put the whole thing on cable TV.
The violence network, VNN
and for a corporate sponsor
you get one of those company's
that loves to smear its logo feces
all over the landscape,
Budweiser will jump at this shit
in half a minute.
All right next group,
sex criminals.
Completely incurable you got to lock them up.
You could outlaw religion
and most of these sex crimes
would disappear in a couple of generations
but we don't have time for rational solutions.
Much easier to fence off another rectangular state.
Rectangular states are cheaper to fence,
saves the taxpayers money you know?
This time Wyoming
but only for true sex offenders.
We're not going to bother consenting adults
who like to dress up
in leather Boy Scout uniforms
and smash each other in the head
with ballpeen hammers
while they take turns blowing their cat.
There's certainly nothing wrong with that.
It's a victimless hobby
and think of how good the cat must feel.
No were only going to lock up
rapist and molesters,
those hopeless romantics
who are so full of love
they can't help getting a little of it on you.
Usually on your leg.
You take all these heavy breathing fun seekers
and you stick them in Wyoming
and you let them suck, fuck and fondle.
You let them blow, chew, sniff, lick, whip,
gobble and corn hole each other
until their testicles are whistling
O'Come All Ye Faithful.
Then you turn on the cameras
and you got the Sperm Channel
and don't forget our corporate sponsor,
were going to let Budweiser
put little logo patches
on the rapists pants right here,
This Pud's for You.
All right next group,
drug addicts and alcoholics.
Not all of them, don't get nervous,
just the ones who are making life difficult
for at least one other person.
And were not going to bother first offenders.
People deserve a chance to clean up.
Everyone will get
twelve chances to clean up.
Okay.
All right.
Fifteen... fifteen.
That's fine and that's it.
If you can't make it in fifteen tries
off you go To Colorado.
Colorado,
a perfect place for staying loaded.
Each week all of the illegal drugs
confiscated in the United States
that the police and DEA
don't keep for their own personal use,
will be air dropped into Colorado.
And were going to turn the Coors Brewery
over to the beer drinking assholes
and everyone can stay
wasted, wired, stoned, bombed, hammered,
smashed and shit-faced around the clock
on another new cable channel,
Shit Faced Central
this is the real Rocky Mountain High!
Okay I've saved my favorite group for last.
The maniacs and crazy people.
Yeah.
The ones who live out
where the buses don't run.
And I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people.
A maniac will beat nine people to death
with a steel dildo.
A crazy person will beat nine people to death
with a steel dildo but he'll be wearing
a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.
So you can't put them all away.
You know you got to keep some of them around
just for the entertainment.
Like a guy who tells you
that the King of Sweden is using his penis
as a radio transmitter
to send anti-Semitic lesbian meatloaf recipes
to Soupy Sales and Marvin Hamlish.
A guy like that
you want to give him his own radio show.
No the maniac farm will be reserved
strictly for hopeless cases
like a guy who gets a big tattoo
on his chest of Liza Minnelli taking a shit.
You know?
And he tells you if he wiggles a certain way
it looks like she's wiping her ass you know?
A guy like that you want to get him into custody
as quickly as possible.
Now for the maniac farm
I think there's no question
we got to go with Utah.
Utah, easy to fence... easy to fence,
right next to Wyoming and Colorado
and Colorado is right next Kansas
and that means all four groups
of our most amusing citizens
are now in one place
except for the big fences
and I think I have another one
of my really good ideas for cable TV.
Gates.
Small sliding gates in the fences.
Think of what you got here.
Think of what you've got.
Predators, degenerates,
crack heads and fruitcakes.
Nine hundred miles of fence separating them.
Every fifty miles you put a small sliding gate
but the gates are only ten inches wide
and there only open once a month
for seven seconds.
And you know something
fuck cable
this shit has got to be on pay-per-view.
Because if those gates are only open
seven seconds a month
you are going to have
some mighty interesting people
pushing and shoving to be first on line.
Deeply disturbed,
armed, cranky lunatics
on drugs.
You know the ones.
A lot of tattoos,
lot of teeth broken off at the gum line,
the true face of America
and every time you open the gates
a few of the more aggressive ones
are going to get through.
The crème da la crème.
The alphas.
They're going to get through.
Their going to find each other
and their going to cross breed
and pretty soon you have a melting pot.
Child killers, corpse fuckers,
drug zombies and full-blown wackoloons
wondering the landscape
in search of truth and fun.
Just like now.
Everyone will have guns.
Everyone will have drugs
and no one will be in charge.
Just like now.
But at least we'll have a balanced budget.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
Thank you.
Hey.
Hey time for a few fart jokes.
Where would a comedy show be
without a few fart jokes?
Question
Did you ever have to fart
on a bus or an airplane
or in some public place
but you hadn't been farting all that day
so you didn't really know
the nature of the beast.
You only knew there was lots of it.
In a situation like that
what you have to do
is to release
a test fart.
You have to arrange to release
quietly
and in a carefully controlled manner
about ten to fifteen percent
of the total fart
in order to determine
if those around you can handle it.
Or... or if in fact
you may be about to precipitate
a public health emergency.
When releasing a test fart it is often good
to engage in an act of subterfuge,
such as reaching for a magazine.
Say,
is that Golf Digest?
That doesn't smell too horrifying.
In fact in an odd way it's rather pleasant.
I think they ought to enjoy
the rest of this baby.
And it turns out to be
one of those farts
that would strip the varnish off a footlocker.
A fart that could end a marriage.
And everyone around you
heads for the exits.
Even the people on the airplane.
As you realize it is time
to review your fiber intake.
It might not be necessary after all
each morning to eat an entire wicker swing set.
I have no ending for this
so I take a small bow.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
Thank you.
Okay.
And this next thing
this next thing is about
the English language.
It's about little expressions we use.
We all say them.
The little sayings and expressions that we use
all the time most of us
and we never really seem
to examine these expressions
very carefully at all
we just sort of say these things
as if they really made sense.
Like "Legally drunk."
Well if it's legal
what's the fucking problem?
Hey,
leave my friend alone officer
he's legally drunk.
"You know where can stick it."
Well why do we always assume everyone knows
where they can stick it?
Suppose you don't know.
Suppose you're a new guy.
You have absolutely no idea where to stick it.
I think there ought to be
a government booklet entitled,
"Where to Stick It."
Now that I think of it I believe
there is a government booklet like that.
They send it to you on April 15th.
"Undisputed Heavy Weight Champion."
Well if it's undisputed
what's all the fighting about?
"It's the quiet ones you got to watch."
You know that one huh?
Every time you see a story
about a serial killer on TV
what do they do?
They bring on the neighbor
and then the neighbor says,
Well he was always very quiet.
And someone in the room says,
It's the quiet ones you got to watch.
This sounds to me
like a very dangerous assumption.
I will bet you anything
that while you're watching the quiet one
a noisy one will fucking kill you.
Suppose you're in a bar
and one guy sitting over on the side
reading a book not bothering anybody,
another guy standing up at the front
with a machete banging on the bar saying,
I'll kill the next motherfucker who comes in here.
Who you going to watch?
You're God damn right.
"Lock them up and throw away the key."
This is really stupid.
Where you going to throw the key?
Right out in front of the jail?
His friends will find it.
How far can you throw a key?
Fifty, sixty feet the most.
Even if you lay it flat on its side like that
and you scale it
what do you get an extra ten feet tops.
This is a stupid idea.
Needs to be completely rethought.
"Down the tubes."
You hear that one alot, people say,
Awe the country is going down the tubes.
What tubes?
Have you seen any tubes?
Where are these tubes?
And where do they go?
And how come there's more than one tube?
It would seem to me one country one tube.
What does every state all of a sudden
have to have it's own tube now?
One tube is all you need.
But a tube that big
somebody would have seen it by now.
Somebody would have said,
Hey Joey... Joey look at the fucking tube.
Big ass fucking tube over here.
You never here that.
You know why?
No tubes.
We don't have tube one.
We are essentially tubeless.
"Takes the cake."
You know?
Say, Boy he really takes the cake.
Where?
Where do you take a cake to the movies?
You know where I would take a cake
down to the bakery
to see the other cakes.
And how come he takes the cake?
How come he don't take the pie?
The pie is easier to carry than the cake.
"Easy as pie."
Hey wait,
cake is not too hard to carry either.
"Piece of cake."
"The greatest thing since sliced bread."
So this is it huh folks?
A couple hundred thousand years.
The fucking pyramids for Christ sakes.
Panama Canal.
The Great Wall of China.
Even a lava lamp
to me is greater than sliced bread.
What's so great about sliced bread?
You got a knife: You got a loaf of bread
slice the fucking thing!
And get on with your life.
"Out walking the streets."
You know guy gets a parole.
They say, Now instead of being in prison
this guy is out walking the streets.
How do we know?
Maybe the guy's home banging the babysitter.
Not everybody that gets a parole
is out walking the fucking streets.
A lot of times they steal a car you know?
So we ought to be glad.
Thank God he stole a car.
At least he's not out walking the streets.
"Fine and dandy."
That's an old fashioned one that ya hear.
Say to a guy, How are ya?
Just fine and dandy.
Not me.
I never say that.
You know how come?
Cause I'm never both of those things
at the same time.
Sometimes I'm fine not dandy.
Close to dandy.
Approaching dandy.
In the vicinity of dandy hood
not quite fully dandy.
Other times I am indeed highly dandy.
However, not fine.
One time
in 1965
August for about an hour
I was both fine and dandy at the same time
but nobody asked me how I was.
And I could have told them.
Could have told them.
I could have said to the person,
fine and dandy...
I consider it a lost opportunity.
"Walking papers."
You know?
Guy gets fired.
You say, Gees poor guy.
Well they give him his walking papers today.
Did you ever get any walking papers?
Seriously?
Believe me in my life
I got fired a lot of times.
You can tell.
Never got any walking papers.
Never got a pink slip either.
You know what I would get?
A guy would come around to my desk and say,
Get the fuck out of here!
You don't need paper for that.
It's like "The Riot Act."
"The Riot Act."
They keep telling you
their going to read that to you.
Have you heard this thing at all?
Especially when you're a kid
they threaten you.
You wait till your father comes home.
He's going to read you the riot act.
Tell him I already read it myself
and I didn't like it either.
I consider it wordy and poorly thought out.
He wants to read me something how about
'The Gentleman's Guide
to the Golden Age of Blow Jobs.'
"More than happy."
I bet you say that sometimes don't you?
Once in a while you say to somebody,
Oh I'd be more than happy to do that.
How can you be more than happy?
To me this sounds
like a dangerous mental condition.
We had to put Dave in the mental home.
He was
more than happy.
One more of these.
"In your own words."
People say that to you?
You know when you hear that a lot
in a classroom
or in a courtroom
they'll say to you,
Tell us in your own words.
Do you have your own words?
Hey I'm using the ones
everybody else has been using.
Next time they tell you to say something
in your own words say,
Nik flak flarnee kloundo floo.
Thank you.
Now this next piece of material is real simple
it's called free-floating hostility.
Twenty-four minor culture items
I'm bored with tired of and pissed at.
So I hope you're ready for a little random anger.
People
People who make quote marks
in the air with their finger.
Are you tired of these people yet?
He said he was, "Sober."
Hey lady,
"Eat me."
Budda-boom budda-bing.
Next guy says to me budda-boom budda-bing
is getting kicked right in the fucking nuts.
Budda-boom mother fucker!
You want to try budda-bing?
Bad hair day.
Where did this shit come from?
What a superficial culture.
Put on a hat and go to work you shallow cunt.
It's a good thing Lewis and Clark
never had a bad hair day
or Daniel Boone huh?
Kuster he had a really bad hair day
but he had it coming that blond,
blue-eyed criminal fuck.
What about these guys that tell you,
I heard that.
Ah you did, did you?
Well isn't this exciting.
What is this a fucking hearing test?
Did I wonder into a Beltone commercial here?
Of course you heard you fucking nimrod
I'm standing right next to ya.
I'm going to move down here.
I'm going to move a little farther away.
Blow me!
By any chance did you here that?
What about these people who tell you
their needs aren't being met?
You run into this stuff?
This is support group shit.
Twelve steppers.
My needs aren't being met.
Know what I tell them?
Drop some of your needs.
Life is a zero sum game.
What else is troubling me?
Mickey Mouse's birthday being announced
on the television news
as if it's an actual event.
I don't give a shit.
If I cared about Mickey Mouse's birthday
I'd have memorized it years ago
and I'd send him a card.
Dear Mickey, Happy Birthday.
Love, George.
I don't do that why?
I don't give a shit.
Fuck Mickey Mouse.
Fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick.
Then break it off
and beat him with the rest of it.
I hope Mickey dies.
I do, I hope he Goddamn dies.
I hope he gets a hold of some tainted cheese
and dies lonely and forgotten
behind the baseboard of a soiled bathroom
in a poor neighborhood
with his hand in Goofy's pants.
Mickey Mouse, no wonder
no one in the world takes our country serious.
Do we waste valuable television time
informing our citizens of the age
of an imaginary rodent!
Now let me ask you this,
the two pandas in the zoo
do you care if they fuck?
I don't.
Why don't they stop telling me on the news
the pandas didn't fuck again this year?
I'm not concerned.
I have no emotional stake
in panda fucking all right?
If they want to they will.
If not they'll watch the Price is Right.
Probably the only reason
they're not doing it on time
is cause some jack off
from the environmental movement
has moved into the cage with them.
Could you get a hard on
if some guy in a green T-shirt with a stopwatch
was taking your girlfriends rectal temperature?
Leave these creatures alone.
And
let me get a sip of water here, hold on.
All right.
And as long as were talking about the news
I don't want to hear anything more
about sperm egg donor surrogate
invetro test tube biological adoptive
foster parents who want their baby back.
Baby Jane, Baby Ruth, Baby This, Baby That,
Baby It's Cold Outside, I don't give a shit.
Leave me alone and keep it off my TV.
Sick American shit.
I'm also tired of hearing about
innocent victims.
This is an outmoded idea.
There are no innocent victims.
If you live on this planet
you're guilty period.
Fuck you.
End of report next case.
Next fucking case.
Next case.
You're birth certificate is proof of guilt.
And what happened in this country that now suddenly
everyone is walking around
with their own personal bottle of water?
When did we get so thirsty in America?
Is everybody so dehydrated
they have to have
their own portable supply of fluids
with them at all times?
Get a drink before you leave the house.
Another crime against society,
hyphenated names.
Hey lady pick a fucking name would you please?
Pick a fucking name.
Hi I'm Emily Jericho-Fordescu.
Hi I'm George Jerk-Me-Off-Fuck-You-Too.
You don't acquire personal dignity
by adding a name to your name.
Feminists think it's a radical act.
It's not.
Castrating a guy in a parking lot
with a Coke bottle is a radical act.
Hyphenating your name is pretentious bullshit.
And what is going on with all these
telephone-calling plans?
MCI, AT& T is this shit really necessary?
When did the phone bill become
life's most critical document?
In a country where you can buy
cinnamon dental floss,
cheese in a spray can
and eatable women's panties
are people really breaking their balls
to save nine cents on a fucking phone call?
You know?
Talking to your mother once a year
might not be the most pleasant thing in the world
but it should not be seen
as a critical spending decision.
Something else I don't understand
motivation tapes.
Motivation books.
What happened here?
Suddenly everybody needs to be motivated?
It's a fairly simple thing.
Either you want to do something or you don't?
What's the big mystery?
Besides if you're motivated enough
to go the store to by a motivation book
aren't you motivated enough to do that
so you don't need the book?
Put it back.
Tell the clerk, Fuck you.
I'm motivated.
I'm going home.
And can anyone explain to me
the need for one hour photo finishing?
You just saw the fucking thing.
How can you possibly be nostalgic about a concept
like a little while ago?
Another complaint,
too many vehicles.
There are some families in this country
own entirely too many vehicles.
You see them on the highway in an RV.
But that's not enough for them.
RV's not enough.
Behind them they're towing a motorboat,
go-cart, dune buggy, dirt bike, Jet Ski,
snow mobile, parasail, hand glider,
wind surfing equipment, a hot air balloon
and a small two-man deep-sea diving bell.
Doesn't anyone just take a fucking walk anymore?
The only thing these people lack
is a lunar excursion module.
Too many choices America.
It's not healthy.
Another abomination,
white guys
over ten years of age
who wear their baseball hats backwards.
Listen to me.
White guys let me tell you something.
You're never going to be as cool as black guys.
It's not going to happen.
You're white
and you're lame.
It's a fucking law of nature.
Turning your hat around
and learning a complicated handshake
will not make you cool.
And you black guys
since you started the whole thing
I'm going to let you stay with the hats
a little bit longer but I think really
once you qualify for social security
it's time to spin that motherfucker
around to the front of you.
All right?
Yeah.
Another tip... another tip for the men.
The earring.
The thing with the earrings.
It's over.
It's been over for a long time.
Doesn't mean anything anymore.
It was supposed to piss off the squares.
The squares are wearing them now.
Doesn't mean anything.
It's just fucking jewelry.
Unless you have an earring
with a live baby hanging from it
it's just jewelry.
And I want you to know
I'm in favor of self-mutilation
and personal disfigurement.
I've always said there's nothing like puncturing
and perforating your skin in a dozen or so places
in order to demonstrate your high self-esteem.
When I see a young man decorating his scalp
with a soldering iron I say,
There's a happy guy.
Thinks highly of himself.
And haven't we gone a little overboard with
these colored ribbons for different causes?
Every cause has it's own colored ribbon now.
Red for AIDS.
Blue for child abuse.
Pink for breast cancer.
Green for the rain forest.
Purple for urban violence.
I got a brown one.
You know what it means?
Eat shit motherfucker!
And what can we do
to silence these Christian athletes
who thank Jesus whenever they win,
never mention his name when they lose.
Not a word.
You never hear them say,
Jesus made me drop the ball.
The good Lord tripped me up
behind the line of scrimmage.
According to these guys Jesus is undefeated.
Meanwhile, these assholes are in last place.
Must be another one of those miracles.
And speaking of delusional people
what about a guy who hears a voice in his head
tells him to kill his entire family
so he does it?
Is this the only thing a voice in the head
ever tells these people to do
is to kill others?
Doesn't a voice ever tell a guy?
Go take a shit on the salad bar at Wendy's.
Doesn't a voice... doesn't a voice tell a guy
to take out his dick on the merry-go-round once in a while?
Well some guys
do take out their dicks on the merry-go-round
but usually it's their own idea.
Something else I can do without,
aftershave and cologne
and this disgusting shit
that men put on their bodies.
Just what I need in the elevator
some guy standing next to me
smells like a fucking pine tree.
I say, Go home and wash you smelly prick.
You smell like the urinal in a Portuguese cathouse.
Goddamn guys are stupid.
Guys are really fucking dumb.
They think they're going to get laid with stuff you know?
Oh yeah they put it on at home.
Oh boy, oh boy I'll get laid tonight.
I'll get laid tonight.
You don't get laid with green shit
that comes out of a bottle okay?
The only smell that's going to help you get laid
might be your own natural scent.
You have pheromones
it's a secondary sex characteristic.
People in America they're all nervous about sex.
They want to cover it up and disguise it.
Guys in Europe they know how to live.
Guy gets in an elevator over there
he smells like a pile of dog shit.
Those people are sophisticated.
Getting pretty tired of these guys walking around
in cowboy hats and cowboy boots.
You ever see these jack offs?
Can't we kill some of these motherfuckers?
Walking around in a fucking cowboy hat.
Grown men.
It's not even Halloween for Christ sakes.
I say, Hey Tex
grow up and get yourself a wardrobe
consistent with the century you're living in.
Why do certain men feel the need
to dress up as mythic figures?
You don't see anyone walking around
in a pirate costume do you?
When was the last guy you ran into
had on a Viking outfit?
Make believe cowboys,
closest they ever got to a cow
is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.
And camcorders.
Here is technology gone bezerk.
Everywhere you go now there's some dick,
some yo-yo,
some putts
with a camcorder
and he is going to tape everything.
Doesn't anyone in this country
just stop and look at things anymore?
Sort of take them in.
Maybe even remember them.
Is that such a strange notion?
Does experience have to be documented
and brought home and saved on the shelf?
And do people really watch this shit?
Are people's lives so bankrupt they sit at home
looking at things they already did?
And these guys are so intense you know?
It's always guys
they won't let women touch the cameras.
It's a highly technical skill.
Look for a hole, push on a button,
big skill and there
they all think there Federico Fillini
you ever see
Low angles, zooms and pans
and it's the same ugly three children
in every Goddamn shot.
All the George Lucas magic in Hollywood
is not going to change
the unfortunate genetic configuration
on the faces of these children.
Keep these unfortunate youngsters
out of public view.
Now
a lot of these
hold on a second
a lot of these cultural crimes
I've been complaining about
can be blamed on the baby boomers.
Something else I'm a little tired of hearing about,
the baby boomers.
Whiney, narcissistic, self-indulgent people
with a simple philosophy, Give me that it's mine.
Give me that it's mine!
These people were given everything.
Everything was handed to them
and they took it all.
Took it all.
Sex, drugs and rock-n-roll
and they stayed loaded for twenty years
and had a free ride
but now there staring down the barrel
of middle age burn out
and they don't like it.
They don't like it so they've turned self-righteous
and they want to make things
hard on younger people.
They tell them to abstain from sex.
Say no to drugs.
As for the rock-n-roll
they sold to television commercials
a long time ago
so they could buy pasta machines
and Stairmasters
and soybean futures.
Soybean futures.
You know something?
They're cold, bloodless people.
It's in there slogans.
It's in there rhetoric.
No pain, no gain.
Just do it.
Life is short play hard.
Shit happens deal with it.
Get a life.
These people went from do your own thing
to just say no.
They went from love is all you need
to whoever winds up with the most toys wins.
And they went from cocaine to Rogaine.
And you know something
they're still counting grams
only now it's fat grams.
And the worst of it is
the rest of us have to watch these commercials on TV
for Levi's loose fitting jeans
and fat ass Docker pants
because these degenerate yuppies boomer cocksuckers
couldn't keep they're hands off
the croissants and the Hagendass
and their big fat asses have spread all over
and they have to wear fat ass Docker pants.
Fuck these boomers.
Fuck these yuppies
and fuck everybody
now that I think about of it.
Well sometimes in comedy you have to generalize.
Now there's one thing you might have noticed
I don't complain about,
politicians.
Everybody complains about politicians.
Everybody says they suck.
Well where do people think
these politicians come from?
They don't fall out of the sky.
They don't pass through a membrane
from another reality...
They come from American parents
and American families,
American homes, American schools,
American churches, American businesses
and American universities
and they're elected by American citizens.
This is the best we can do folks.
This is what we have to offer.
It's what our system produces.
Garbage in, garbage out.
If you have selfish ignorant citizens
if you have selfish, ignorant citizens
your going to get selfish, ignorant leaders
and term limits ain't going to do you any good
you're just going to wind up
with a brand new bunch of
selfish, ignorant Americans.
So maybe, maybe, maybe
it's not the politicians who suck.
Maybe something else sucks around here
like the public.
Yeah the public sucks.
There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody.
The public sucks, fuck hope.
Fuck hope.
Because if it's really
just the fault of these politicians
then where are all the other bright people of conscience?
Where are all the bright honest intelligent Americans
ready to step in and save the nation
and lead the way?
We don't have people like that in this country.
Everybody's at the mall
scratching his ass, picking his nose,
taking his credit card out of his Fannie pack
and buying a pair of sneakers
with lights in them.
So I have solved this little political dilemma
for myself in a very simple way
on Election Day
I stay home.
I don't vote.
Fuck them.
I don't vote.
Two reasons... two reasons I don't vote.
First of all, it's meaningless.
This country was bought and sold and paid for
a long time ago.
The shit they shuffle around every four years
Doesn't mean a fucking thing.
And secondly I don't vote
cause I believe if you vote
you have no right to complain.
People like to twist that around
I know they say... they say,
Well if you don't vote you have no right to complain.
But where's the logic in that.
If you vote
and you elect dishonest, incompetent people
and they get into office and screw everything up
well you are responsible for what they have done.
You caused the problem.
You voted them in.
You have no right to complain.
I on the other hand,
who did not vote,
who in fact,
did not even leave the house on Election Day
am in no way responsible
for what these people have done
and have every right to complain
as loud as I want
about the mess you created
that I had nothing to do with.
So I know that a little later on this year
you're going to have another one of those really swell
presidential elections that you like so much.
You'll enjoy yourselves.
It will be a lot of fun.
I'm sure as soon as the election is over
you're country will improve immediately.
As for me I'll be home on that day
doing essentially the same thing as you
the only difference is
when I get finished masturbating
I'm going to have a little something to show for it folks.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you everybody.
See ya later